We are going to cry.

I have read over the words of the liturgy many times now, and obviously find great meaning in them. I believe in the power of the word. But recently, as we have been reading parts aloud to each other (in picking specific scripture readings), I find my throat catch.

During our pre-marital counseling, Paul told us how he loves to provoke tears; Steph tried a few times to apologize to me for being “weepy” during our sessions. But how upset I would be if she wasn’t moved thusly!

Stephanie is worried, I think, about what all the wedding forums (there is one called “http://kvetch.indiebride.com/,” can you believe it?) call the “ugly cry.” She doesn’t want folks to think she cries out of grief or fear. She (and I!) want to be and sound resolute. But she also says, “I want to be there.” Se doesn’t want to push anything out of the way; authenticity is key above all else here. Unadulterated presence is key. We can’t be restraining ourselves.

Really though, how lucky I am to be able to cry openly and honestly before 150 friends and family, my wife and my God? When again will I get the chance to be so radically vulnerable before so many? When I say “all that I am,” I will be surrounded by people who know a fair amount of that “all,” that “am.” I am giving all that energy to Steph. It all belongs to her then.

I will take as as much time as I need to say my vows clearly and strongly and I will not be ashamed in the slightest to let the tears fall. We can wait. We can catch our voices, we can pause. This is serious. I don’t know if there is much space in our culture for serious joy…

Actually, more than just not being ashamed to weep, I hope we can be proud to cry. And I hope you look at my (our) tears of joy and maybe get a little choked up too.

i'll be packing

Edit: Uh-oh